as of late...

I feel like this song off of paramore's new album has been the story of my life lately...

it's called "turn it off"

Not that everything has been bad. I mean, work last week was pretty awful... but for the last few weeks I've really been struggling with destructive thoughts.

Not horrible things by any means, just things that I know wouldn't be good for me.
Getting pierced.
Getting another tattoo.
Smoking.
All things I have turned to at one point or another when I have felt like my life is out of control and don't know how to handle it.

Temporary releases.
That are fake solutions to the real issue... My only peace and security and comfort is found in Christ. When I turn to anything else, it only leaves me emptier than I was before.

Fill me up with You, Lord...

recent struggles

I feel like I'm absolutely awful at updating these days. It's not that I don't have things on my heart and on my mind... I just have a lack of motivation to put things down.

Aside from wedding planning/nightmares (I'll post on those another time...), I've been really struggling with where my life is right now.

Don't misunderstand me... I'm by no means saying that I don't like my life right now, not at all. I love being engaged and planning my life with my future husband. I've just been having a hard time because my life right now is nothing like I expected it to be at this point two years ago. Because of that, I kind of don't know what to do with myself.

The passions and desires I have (missions, going abroad, etc.) are not something that can happen right now. I know they will eventually, but not right now. Having a full-time position at a school is not something I can have right now either, and I'm not sure if it's something I've ever really wanted... So I feel like I'm in this new, weird place trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, what I like to do...

It's very strange, but I know God has a reason for this... and that through it, he is preparing me for other things he has in store. Things that are infinitely more than I could ever ask or imagine.