Exhausted, overwhelmed, in desperate need of caffeine... I never had any idea I would feel this way at 23. It's not really an age you ever think about being when you're growing up. It's kind of one of those "in-between" years that you forget about. 'Cause nothing cool happens when you're 23.
Actually, for me (and my fiance) that is false. We will be getting married at 23.
So now that I am another year older and another year (hopefully) wiser, what have I learned in the last 365ish days?
Right now, I never would have imagined that I would be where I am right now. I never thought that I would be living in Lansing, substitute teaching, planning a wedding... Those are all awesome things, just not what I had ever thought I would be doing right now.
God is definitely refining my thoughts on what it looks like to live with reckless abandon for Him. How I'm doing that now is nothing like I thought it would be when I spoke about it at Real Life two years ago. He is, however, continuing to show me that the things that makes sense to the world aren't necessarily how we should be living. And that we need to continue clinging to Him. The moment we think we have everything figured out, He takes us for a loop- forcing us to cling tighter to Him than to our own understanding.
I feel like God is showing me over an over again how His plans for me are not the same as my plans for myself. That even the ways I think I should be using my gifts to serve Him are not the ways that best glorify Him. That all of these experiences I'm having right now are preparing me for something greater.
God's been teaching me a lot about love. (makes sense since I'm getting married and all...) Learning to communicate in love is one of the most difficult things and we rarely do it all the time. I'm learning what it's like to love selflessly- and how difficult that can be. Along with selfless love, I'm learning more and more about how to show grace and mercy- and the importance of forgiveness. Not just saying you forgive someone for wronging you, but truly not holding it again them when they do hurt you. It's hard. I'm not perfect at it and know I won't ever be this side of heaven.
In all of those things, I see how God is making me more and more into the woman who He created me to be. And I'm excited to see what this next year of life has in store.
Thank You, Lord.
20.10.09
as of late...
I feel like this song off of paramore's new album has been the story of my life lately...
it's called "turn it off"
Not that everything has been bad. I mean, work last week was pretty awful... but for the last few weeks I've really been struggling with destructive thoughts.
Not horrible things by any means, just things that I know wouldn't be good for me.
Getting pierced.
Getting another tattoo.
Smoking.
All things I have turned to at one point or another when I have felt like my life is out of control and don't know how to handle it.
Temporary releases.
That are fake solutions to the real issue... My only peace and security and comfort is found in Christ. When I turn to anything else, it only leaves me emptier than I was before.
Fill me up with You, Lord...
it's called "turn it off"
Not that everything has been bad. I mean, work last week was pretty awful... but for the last few weeks I've really been struggling with destructive thoughts.
Not horrible things by any means, just things that I know wouldn't be good for me.
Getting pierced.
Getting another tattoo.
Smoking.
All things I have turned to at one point or another when I have felt like my life is out of control and don't know how to handle it.
Temporary releases.
That are fake solutions to the real issue... My only peace and security and comfort is found in Christ. When I turn to anything else, it only leaves me emptier than I was before.
Fill me up with You, Lord...
13.10.09
recent struggles
I feel like I'm absolutely awful at updating these days. It's not that I don't have things on my heart and on my mind... I just have a lack of motivation to put things down.
Aside from wedding planning/nightmares (I'll post on those another time...), I've been really struggling with where my life is right now.
Don't misunderstand me... I'm by no means saying that I don't like my life right now, not at all. I love being engaged and planning my life with my future husband. I've just been having a hard time because my life right now is nothing like I expected it to be at this point two years ago. Because of that, I kind of don't know what to do with myself.
The passions and desires I have (missions, going abroad, etc.) are not something that can happen right now. I know they will eventually, but not right now. Having a full-time position at a school is not something I can have right now either, and I'm not sure if it's something I've ever really wanted... So I feel like I'm in this new, weird place trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, what I like to do...
It's very strange, but I know God has a reason for this... and that through it, he is preparing me for other things he has in store. Things that are infinitely more than I could ever ask or imagine.
Aside from wedding planning/nightmares (I'll post on those another time...), I've been really struggling with where my life is right now.
Don't misunderstand me... I'm by no means saying that I don't like my life right now, not at all. I love being engaged and planning my life with my future husband. I've just been having a hard time because my life right now is nothing like I expected it to be at this point two years ago. Because of that, I kind of don't know what to do with myself.
The passions and desires I have (missions, going abroad, etc.) are not something that can happen right now. I know they will eventually, but not right now. Having a full-time position at a school is not something I can have right now either, and I'm not sure if it's something I've ever really wanted... So I feel like I'm in this new, weird place trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, what I like to do...
It's very strange, but I know God has a reason for this... and that through it, he is preparing me for other things he has in store. Things that are infinitely more than I could ever ask or imagine.
15.9.09
hanging by a moment
I was really struck today, thinking about my story, how I came to know the Lord... A big part of my story has to do with looking for REAL love in all of the wrong places. I remember hearing the song "Hanging By A Moment" by Lifehouse at the start of freshman year of high school and thinking, "Man, THAT'S what I want!"
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
I always assumed that a person would make me feel that way. But it wasn't until many failed attempts at relationships and looking for love and identity in other people that I was left completely empty. That's when I started to seek out God. I found him and realized that the way I had been living my life was not worth it and I wanted to live for him. Shortly after, I got distracted again by a boy before I could really find my identity in Christ.
Eventually, I got on the right path, by myself, with God and was more aware of his love for me than I had ever imagined I would be. It was then, in early 2007 that I was listening to the song again and realized... this is how I should feel about God! This song isn't about a relationship with a person at all... it's about a relationship with the all-powerful, all-knowing, Creator of the Universe.
What if we all could just know that? What if we all could just feel that? Can't we just...
Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started while chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking, completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation, you take all of me now
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started while chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you...
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
I always assumed that a person would make me feel that way. But it wasn't until many failed attempts at relationships and looking for love and identity in other people that I was left completely empty. That's when I started to seek out God. I found him and realized that the way I had been living my life was not worth it and I wanted to live for him. Shortly after, I got distracted again by a boy before I could really find my identity in Christ.
Eventually, I got on the right path, by myself, with God and was more aware of his love for me than I had ever imagined I would be. It was then, in early 2007 that I was listening to the song again and realized... this is how I should feel about God! This song isn't about a relationship with a person at all... it's about a relationship with the all-powerful, all-knowing, Creator of the Universe.
What if we all could just know that? What if we all could just feel that? Can't we just...
Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started while chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking, completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation, you take all of me now
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started while chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you...
8.9.09
overwhelmed
o·ver·whelm (ō'vər-hwělm', -wělm')
tr.v. o·ver·whelmed, o·ver·whelm·ing, o·ver·whelms
1. To surge over and submerge; engulf
2. To affect deeply in mind or emotion
3. To present with an excessive amount
4. To turn over; upset
"overwhelmed." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. 08 Sep. 2009.http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/overwhelmed>.
This seems to be quite descriptive of my life right now. I just feel very overwhelmed by everything. I'm living in a new place, with new people who I don't know well yet. I don't really have a job (subbing should be picking up soon I hope) We're spending time with LOTS of new people who I'm just meeting for the first time. Everything is just all new. Everything.
Please don't misunderstand me. I'm by no means trying to complain. I know that I chose this path, that this is where God is leading me... just for right now, I feel so overwhelmed. By everything.
"From the end of the earth will I cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed and fainting; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2
tr.v. o·ver·whelmed, o·ver·whelm·ing, o·ver·whelms
1. To surge over and submerge; engulf
2. To affect deeply in mind or emotion
3. To present with an excessive amount
4. To turn over; upset
"overwhelmed." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. 08 Sep. 2009.
This seems to be quite descriptive of my life right now. I just feel very overwhelmed by everything. I'm living in a new place, with new people who I don't know well yet. I don't really have a job (subbing should be picking up soon I hope) We're spending time with LOTS of new people who I'm just meeting for the first time. Everything is just all new. Everything.
Please don't misunderstand me. I'm by no means trying to complain. I know that I chose this path, that this is where God is leading me... just for right now, I feel so overwhelmed. By everything.
"From the end of the earth will I cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed and fainting; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2
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3.9.09
like Paul
I think what I have been experiencing lately may be similar to what Paul experienced when he surrendered his life to Christ. Letting go of everything that the world considered to be important and following where God was leading him. Sounds great, doesn't it?
What we forget about that decision is that it is radical. Meaning that the world doesn't understand it and, therefore, persecution and ridicule follows.
Because I am choosing the path that I know God is laying out for me, which is not at all what anyone would call safe and secure by looking at it, I am being persecuted for my decision. I know being in the center of God's will is the safest place to be and this is absolutely where I want to be...
I just didn't anticipate that wanting to live with reckless faith would be like this. But I suppose that's how it always works out, huh? Not like we ever expected....
What we forget about that decision is that it is radical. Meaning that the world doesn't understand it and, therefore, persecution and ridicule follows.
Because I am choosing the path that I know God is laying out for me, which is not at all what anyone would call safe and secure by looking at it, I am being persecuted for my decision. I know being in the center of God's will is the safest place to be and this is absolutely where I want to be...
I just didn't anticipate that wanting to live with reckless faith would be like this. But I suppose that's how it always works out, huh? Not like we ever expected....
27.8.09
decisions, decisions...
Today was a day of hard decisions.
I got offered two jobs. And I didn't take either of them.
Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm foolish. Maybe I made a mistake.
BUT one thing I know for sure is what the LORD has laid on my heart and where he's calling me. I know that God is calling me back to Lansing. I know that I am being called to dive in the ministry with Riverview. That's the one thing that has been missing from my life.
God has opened doors and provided a place for me to live in Lansing. He's opening doors for ministry there. Sure, those things would still be there if I decided to postpone my move for another 2 months...
But what about all those people Jesus called to follow who had other things they wanted to do first? Jesus' response to them was if they couldn't leave what they were doing and follow him, then they weren't worthy of being his followers.
Maybe I chose neither job because I'm being selfish.
Or... maybe I chose neither job because I'm being sacrificial and recklessly following my God where I know he's calling me and trusting him to provide for my needs.
I got offered two jobs. And I didn't take either of them.
Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm foolish. Maybe I made a mistake.
BUT one thing I know for sure is what the LORD has laid on my heart and where he's calling me. I know that God is calling me back to Lansing. I know that I am being called to dive in the ministry with Riverview. That's the one thing that has been missing from my life.
God has opened doors and provided a place for me to live in Lansing. He's opening doors for ministry there. Sure, those things would still be there if I decided to postpone my move for another 2 months...
But what about all those people Jesus called to follow who had other things they wanted to do first? Jesus' response to them was if they couldn't leave what they were doing and follow him, then they weren't worthy of being his followers.
Maybe I chose neither job because I'm being selfish.
Or... maybe I chose neither job because I'm being sacrificial and recklessly following my God where I know he's calling me and trusting him to provide for my needs.
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