love in the in-between

nobody likes you when you're 23...

2009-11-05T09:58:00.002-05:00

Exhausted, overwhelmed, in desperate need of caffeine... I never had any idea I would feel this way at 23. It's not really an age you ever think about being when you're growing up. It's kind of one of those "in-between" years that you forget about. 'Cause nothing cool happens when you're 23.

Actually, for me (and my fiance) that is false. We will be getting married at 23.

So now that I am another year older and another year (hopefully) wiser, what have I learned in the last 365ish days?

Right now, I never would have imagined that I would be where I am right now. I never thought that I would be living in Lansing, substitute teaching, planning a wedding... Those are all awesome things, just not what I had ever thought I would be doing right now.

God is definitely refining my thoughts on what it looks like to live with reckless abandon for Him. How I'm doing that now is nothing like I thought it would be when I spoke about it at Real Life two years ago. He is, however, continuing to show me that the things that makes sense to the world aren't necessarily how we should be living. And that we need to continue clinging to Him. The moment we think we have everything figured out, He takes us for a loop- forcing us to cling tighter to Him than to our own understanding.

I feel like God is showing me over an over again how His plans for me are not the same as my plans for myself. That even the ways I think I should be using my gifts to serve Him are not the ways that best glorify Him. That all of these experiences I'm having right now are preparing me for something greater.

God's been teaching me a lot about love. (makes sense since I'm getting married and all...) Learning to communicate in love is one of the most difficult things and we rarely do it all the time. I'm learning what it's like to love selflessly- and how difficult that can be. Along with selfless love, I'm learning more and more about how to show grace and mercy- and the importance of forgiveness. Not just saying you forgive someone for wronging you, but truly not holding it again them when they do hurt you. It's hard. I'm not perfect at it and know I won't ever be this side of heaven.

In all of those things, I see how God is making me more and more into the woman who He created me to be. And I'm excited to see what this next year of life has in store.

Thank You, Lord.

as of late...

2009-10-20T18:11:00.002-04:00

I feel like this song off of paramore's new album has been the story of my life lately...

it's called "turn it off"

Not that everything has been bad. I mean, work last week was pretty awful... but for the last few weeks I've really been struggling with destructive thoughts.

Not horrible things by any means, just things that I know wouldn't be good for me.
Getting pierced.
Getting another tattoo.
Smoking.
All things I have turned to at one point or another when I have felt like my life is out of control and don't know how to handle it.

Temporary releases.
That are fake solutions to the real issue... My only peace and security and comfort is found in Christ. When I turn to anything else, it only leaves me emptier than I was before.

Fill me up with You, Lord...

recent struggles

2009-10-13T21:15:00.002-04:00

I feel like I'm absolutely awful at updating these days. It's not that I don't have things on my heart and on my mind... I just have a lack of motivation to put things down.

Aside from wedding planning/nightmares (I'll post on those another time...), I've been really struggling with where my life is right now.

Don't misunderstand me... I'm by no means saying that I don't like my life right now, not at all. I love being engaged and planning my life with my future husband. I've just been having a hard time because my life right now is nothing like I expected it to be at this point two years ago. Because of that, I kind of don't know what to do with myself.

The passions and desires I have (missions, going abroad, etc.) are not something that can happen right now. I know they will eventually, but not right now. Having a full-time position at a school is not something I can have right now either, and I'm not sure if it's something I've ever really wanted... So I feel like I'm in this new, weird place trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, what I like to do...

It's very strange, but I know God has a reason for this... and that through it, he is preparing me for other things he has in store. Things that are infinitely more than I could ever ask or imagine.

hanging by a moment

2009-09-15T19:37:00.003-04:00

I was really struck today, thinking about my story, how I came to know the Lord... A big part of my story has to do with looking for REAL love in all of the wrong places. I remember hearing the song "Hanging By A Moment" by Lifehouse at the start of freshman year of high school and thinking, "Man, THAT'S what I want!"

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

I always assumed that a person would make me feel that way. But it wasn't until many failed attempts at relationships and looking for love and identity in other people that I was left completely empty. That's when I started to seek out God. I found him and realized that the way I had been living my life was not worth it and I wanted to live for him. Shortly after, I got distracted again by a boy before I could really find my identity in Christ.

Eventually, I got on the right path, by myself, with God and was more aware of his love for me than I had ever imagined I would be. It was then, in early 2007 that I was listening to the song again and realized... this is how I should feel about God! This song isn't about a relationship with a person at all... it's about a relationship with the all-powerful, all-knowing, Creator of the Universe.

What if we all could just know that? What if we all could just feel that? Can't we just...

Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started while chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking, completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation, you take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing, starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started while chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you...

overwhelmed

2009-09-08T18:10:00.002-04:00

o·ver·whelm (ō'vər-hwělm', -wělm')
tr.v. o·ver·whelmed, o·ver·whelm·ing, o·ver·whelms

1. To surge over and submerge; engulf
2. To affect deeply in mind or emotion
3. To present with an excessive amount
4. To turn over; upset

"overwhelmed." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. 08 Sep. 2009. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/overwhelmed>.

This seems to be quite descriptive of my life right now. I just feel very overwhelmed by everything. I'm living in a new place, with new people who I don't know well yet. I don't really have a job (subbing should be picking up soon I hope) We're spending time with LOTS of new people who I'm just meeting for the first time. Everything is just all new. Everything.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm by no means trying to complain. I know that I chose this path, that this is where God is leading me... just for right now, I feel so overwhelmed. By everything.

"From the end of the earth will I cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed and fainting; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2

like Paul

2009-09-03T19:03:00.002-04:00

I think what I have been experiencing lately may be similar to what Paul experienced when he surrendered his life to Christ. Letting go of everything that the world considered to be important and following where God was leading him. Sounds great, doesn't it?

What we forget about that decision is that it is radical. Meaning that the world doesn't understand it and, therefore, persecution and ridicule follows.

Because I am choosing the path that I know God is laying out for me, which is not at all what anyone would call safe and secure by looking at it, I am being persecuted for my decision. I know being in the center of God's will is the safest place to be and this is absolutely where I want to be...

I just didn't anticipate that wanting to live with reckless faith would be like this. But I suppose that's how it always works out, huh? Not like we ever expected....

decisions, decisions...

2009-08-27T19:11:00.002-04:00

Today was a day of hard decisions.

I got offered two jobs. And I didn't take either of them.

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm foolish. Maybe I made a mistake.

BUT one thing I know for sure is what the LORD has laid on my heart and where he's calling me. I know that God is calling me back to Lansing. I know that I am being called to dive in the ministry with Riverview. That's the one thing that has been missing from my life.

God has opened doors and provided a place for me to live in Lansing. He's opening doors for ministry there. Sure, those things would still be there if I decided to postpone my move for another 2 months...

But what about all those people Jesus called to follow who had other things they wanted to do first? Jesus' response to them was if they couldn't leave what they were doing and follow him, then they weren't worthy of being his followers.

Maybe I chose neither job because I'm being selfish.

Or... maybe I chose neither job because I'm being sacrificial and recklessly following my God where I know he's calling me and trusting him to provide for my needs.

answers to prayer

2009-08-17T22:13:00.003-04:00

As God's children, we know God always hears our prayers. And we know that God longs to give us the desires of our heart. For me, God has been answering a lot of prayer in real ways lately.

God has provided a place for me to live in Lansing. There is a couple at our church who have opened their home to me and invited me to live with them until Ian and I get married in March. We have been praying for months that God would open some doors that would bring me back to Lansing. I've been dying to get more involved at Riverview and now that I have a place to live, I can get involved this fall.

God has opened the door for me to use my talents at church. I am in the process of planning a Spanish class to be taught at church for people who want/ are planning on going to Mexico to serve with Back2Back Ministries. I've already gotten a lot of positive feedback from people who have heard about the class and I'm really excited to be using my gifts of Spanish and teaching to serve God.

And now, FINALLY, God has provided a job interview. It's definitely not a for-sure deal by any means. I don't have a lot of experience in this area either, so getting this job would definitely be all God's work. I'm excited and nervous, but we'll see what God has in store. Even if this isn't the job God has, it's just awesome to see him answering prayer.

This all has got me thinking... if this is how God answers persistent prayers that I can see... how much is he or would he answer the persistent prayers that I can't see??
It makes me want to be more persistent in praying for things that I may never get to see the fruit of... because that isn't what it's really about. It's about seeking and petitioning the Lord, praying his will, and trusting him with the results.

until only love remains

2009-07-29T12:16:00.002-04:00

for the first time in a long time, i've had a song that seemed to scream out the desires of my heart. if you don't connect to music the way that i do, you probably have no idea what i'm talking about. i'll try to describe it for you, though i don't know if you'll get it...
it's a strong sense of connection with the words in the song... like you feel exactly what is being sung. you feel the strings of your heart being pulled, drawing you closer and closer to the artist's words. it kind of makes you want to cry. you can't help but belt out the words, because you feel it deep in your soul.
this song for me right now is "only love remains" by jj heller

scenes of you come rushing through, you are breaking me down
so break me into pieces that will grow in the ground
i know that i deserve to die for the murder in my heart
so be gentle with me, Jesus, as you tear me apart

please, kill the liar, kill the thief in me
you know that i am tired of their cruelty
breathe into my spirit, breathe into my veins
until only love remains

you burn away the ropes that bind and hold me to the earth
the fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
i begin to see reality for the first time in my life
i know that i'm a shadow but i'm dancing in your light

teach me to be humble, call me from the grave
show me how to walk with you upon the waves
and breathe into my spirit, breathe into my veins
until only love remains

teach me to be humble, call me from the grave
show me how to walk with you upon the waves
and breathe into my spirit, breathe into my veins
until only love remains...

if you haven't heard the song before, you should check it out.

mosaic

2009-07-22T21:11:00.002-04:00

1. ...LEONARDO'S SMILING ROSE TO MONA LISA..., 2. Sushi, 3. frog invasion, 4. Cookie splash! v6, 5. "Walking on the ocean" Los Roques Venezuela National Park Los Roques Los Roques archipelago Venezuela Snorkeling Scuba Diving Travel/ Reisen/Voyager/Viaggiare/Viajar South America America del Sur Atoll Aquatic Caribbean Sea, 6. Cd Art (700+ faves) :-), 7. Feed the hungry, 8. good friday, 9. Sassy

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search (http://www.flickr.com/)
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s Mosaic Maker (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php)
d. Save the image and post it on a note!

The Questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What is your favorite color?
4. Favorite drink?
5. Dream vacation?
6. Favorite Hobby?
7. What you want to be/do when you grow up?
8. What do you love most in life?
9. One word to describe you?

i stole this from jbrtva :)

to feel alive

2009-07-17T11:06:00.002-04:00

Why is it that living in a foreign country, working hard, spending time with orphans, sweating, with no internet and wearing nothing more than t-shirts and shorts is more appealing than the comforts of middle-class suburban living?

Is it that I'm jaded by an overload of wealth that most of the world doesn't get to experience?

Or is it that I've been numbed for so long that the rawness of that type of environment is like a slap in the face?

Or maybe I've been so numbed by comfort that once I'm finally removed from it, I can feel alive?

Or maybe my heart was just made differently?
Maybe my heart was made to break for things that most people try to not think about?
Maybe I was made with a boldness to put myself out there and that is willing to let myself be affected by injustice?
Maybe I've been touched by LOVE in a way that only makes me want to reach out and pour out more than I ever thought possible?
Maybe that's why being there makes me feel alive...

and we need people who feel alive. People who are caught up in the latest trends and lost in the flow of busy everyday life don't change the world.
Sure, showing love to one orphan doesn't change the world... but it can change theirs. Their life being changed causes them to want to change the lives of others and the snowball effect happens. So many other lives are changed because of the one. THAT changes the world.

Who wouldn't want to be a part of that?

Give me your eyes so I can see...

2009-07-13T16:12:00.007-04:00

This is the view of the mountains from the Back2Back campus we stayed at in Monterrey. There's an equally beautiful set of them behind where I was standing as well. After a week of hard work and playing with kids, I am feeling exhausted and hungering for more. I felt more purpose in my life that week than I have in a long time. I'm still processing through a lot of things, and I am no where close to knowing what this experience means for me, but I know for sure that I will never be the same.

Jamas seré igual.

crave

2009-06-30T22:08:00.003-04:00

This post is something I've had on my heart for a while. I finally feel like I have the words to explain it all.
The last series at my church was titled "CRAVE." The question Noel always used to ask toward of the sermons was, "What do you crave?" During the offering after the final week in the series, my fiance leaned over to me and jokingly asked, "So, what do you crave?" I couldn't tell if he was being serious because his tone led me to believe it was some-what mocking... just sighed and said, "A lot."
Which is true, unfortunately.
So I made a list. I crave:
-a job that pays money
-moving back to Lansing
-getting married
-watching ridiculous t.v. (a.k.a. numbing myself)
-clothes, shoes, things...
-being in full-time ministry
-being in full-time ministry overseas...

And why do we end up with all of these cravings?
It finally hit me.
I have been so idle- I haven't been filling myself up on the Word of God, on time with Him, on encouraging words and people who push me on in my relationship with Him. I've been leaving myself to starved and empty that of course I run to all of these other things to fill me and it just leaves me craving...
There are warnings all over Scripture against idleness- idle hands and idle words. Even the wife of noble character [Proverbs 31:10-31] does not eat the bread of idleness (and if I really want to be a good wife to my future husband someday, I'm not exactly headed in the right direction...)

So after my conclusion, and after discovering the true desires of my heart (obviously, not for the things I crave, but for my LORD and Savior to be my joy and my delight), I have been trying to be more intentional about what I am filling myself with. Filling myself with the Word and not endless hours on Facebook or watching Gossip Girl. (both completely fine things in moderation) Taking time out of my day for prayer instead of numbing myself with shopping for things that I don't need.
I'm working on it, but I've still got a long way to go.

"Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever."
[1 john 2:15-17]

Amen.

glory

2009-06-01T17:01:00.002-04:00

I'm always taken aback by the part in God's story where Moses tells God, "Show me your glory!"

First of all... seeing God's glory is a pretty big deal. No one has ever seen God this side of heaven in all His glory and lived. All of the awe His glory inspires... I definitely understand wanting to see it, but the other part of that event that blows me away is that Moses didn't even ask... he just said, "God, show me your glory!" It's more of a demand than a question.

Who in their right mind would demand God to show him that? Demand God, the creator of the universe and everything in it, to show him (His servant) something that no one on earth had ever seen and lived to tell about it because it's that magnificent... Moses obviously had the cajones to do it.

The question is why don't we?

LOVE for the Word

2009-05-28T21:19:00.002-04:00

I know I am not in God's Word as much as I should be (or as much as I would like to be for that matter...) but every time I get in it and read, I just fall in love with it all over again. I find myself thinking, "Why on earth am I not reading this more everyday?!?"

I don't know what it is exactly... nothing stuck out to me in a "this was totally written for me, for this moment..." type of way. I still have moments like that, but tonight, it was more of just an admiration. Just a sense of awe.

Tonight it came from reading Galatians 3- justification through faith. That we share in the promise God made to Abraham and are made right with God through our faith. God said to him long ago, "All nations will be blessed through you" (Gen. 12:3) That means us- the Gentiles. We don't have to be subject to obeying all the rules that come from the Law in order to be right with God, but it is by faith.

"It is through faith that a person has life." -- Hab. 2:4
That is what has inspired my awe and shown me over again my love for the Word.

walk by faith

2009-05-06T20:30:00.003-04:00

Something that has been on my mind and my heart a lot lately- especially in light of the changes going on- is walking by faith. God's word tells us to "live by faith, not by sight." [2 Corinthians 5:7] What does that really mean? To walk by faith and not by sight...

According to one man, "faith is the confidence we have in possessing the things we hope for because of the promises of God."
[Martin G. Collins, Forerunner Commentary, "Faithfulness," August 1998]

So... we are to walk in the confidence we have because of God's promises and not by those external things that we see. But those things around us... they seem so daunting. The worries of how I'm going to get a job, where I'm going to get a job, when... what kind of a job it's going to be... when I can get into full-time ministry with the love of my life... All of those things can set up and take out eyes off of Jesus, off of our faith, what we hope for, what we live for...

One of my favorite reminders when we're being drowned out by our circumstances is this:
"This is faith- trusting God with my past, present, and my future even though logically, I should trust no one but myself.
But if I do rely on my own insight, I will spend my life risking nothing, depending only on what I can see and touch. I will be my own rescuer. I will listen to my doubts, debate God's ways, and cling to my own understanding- and suffer the consequences of these choices by dwelling in the wilderness, living in fear, and going under in the storm."
[Cynthia Heald, Becoming a Woman of Faith, p. 15]

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace
Well I will walk by faith even when I cannot see...
[Jeremy Camp]

life changes

2009-04-27T20:56:00.006-04:00

April 25th, 2004
I outwardly showed the changes taking place in my heart. I was baptized at my parents' church, showing that my life was committed to the Lord.

I've grown in my relationship with Him and He's changed my life in remarkable ways.

April 25th, 2009
I said yes to marrying the most amazing man I've ever met. He's absolutely everything I have ever prayed for. God has used all of our past experiences to prepare us for each other. We know it's not going to be easy, but I am so excited to grow in our relationships with God with him and seek to glorify God with our relationship and our life together.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” -- Genesis 2:18
"And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord... For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church..." --Ephesians 5:21-22,25
So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. -- Genesis 2:21-24

the power of Christ

2009-04-11T21:12:00.002-04:00

In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For every sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pull me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

the antonym of me

2009-04-03T08:22:00.000-04:00

there's a song that has really been resonating with me lately... not really a surprise to people if you know me. Through music is one of the most real ways God and I communicate.

I am full of earth, you are heaven's worth
I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity
you are everything that is bright and clean
the antonym of me, you are divinity...

I feel like I am constantly being reminded of how dirty and ugly my heart can be at times. It's scary sometimes and I hate it... but seeing it in this light is helping me to hate sin more and more and instead desire holiness more and more. AND it keeps me in awe of God's holiness and the grace He freely pours out on us.

But a certain sign of grace is this
from the broken earth, flowers come up,
pushing through the dirt...
You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries" Holy, holy God!"
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy like You are...

There's something about that word... Holy. It's one of my favorite words to sing. God's holiness. like all thos places in the Word where it says the angels cry, "Holy, holy, holy!" all about God. I love it. Praising God for His holiness, with thankfulness for because He is holy, He makes me holy, too.

You are everything that is bright and clean
and You're covering me with Your majesty
the truest sign of grace was this
from wounded hands redemption fell down
liberating man...

Freeing us from sin. We are holy because He is holy. He covers the dirt and ugliness inside us and makes us PURE, CLEAN, and HOLY. Because of God's amazing grace, we get to be holy. It's not of our own power or deeds that we are holy, it's all Him.

But the harder I try, the more clearly can I
feel the depth of our fall, and the weight of it all
so this might could be the most impossible thing
your grandness in me making me clean
Glory, Hallelujah!
glory, glory, Hallelujah!
So here I am, all of me
finally everything
wholly, wholly, wholly,
I am wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly,
wholly Yours

The part that I most love about this song is how it gradually builds from focusing on our sinfulness, our faults, everything that is wrong with us in comparison to God's greatness, purity, and perfection to realizing what Christ did for us to praising God for how amazing He is and THEN being wholly, fully His. Only then, once we've gone through this process.
If you haven't heard this song, go listen to it.

"God has united you with Christ Jesus. For our benefit God made him to be wisdom itself. Christ made us right with God; he made us pure and holy, and he freed us from sin." - 1 corinthians 1:30

burnin' like a candle...

2009-03-19T08:27:00.000-04:00

For me, one of the hugest ways that God speaks to me is through music. Not just praise and worship music, but a lot of times through music that isn't necessarily intended to be about Him. Most recently I've seen Him in "Candle (Sick and Tired)" by the White Tie Affair.

"I took a ride on a February morning,
just getting over it and dealing with the mourning,
I started thinking out loud,
'I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired...'"

Those words caught my ears. Sick and tired of being sick and tired... that's exactly how I was feeling. Who doesn't feel that way? With the daily grind of life... everything. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

"My baby's flyin' off the edge of the road,
She's sayin', 'I'm so sorry about that note
that left me all alone...
But I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired'"

Isn't that how we feel sometimes?? When we're so sick and tired of everything, we just want to run away. Leave a note to everyone in our lives and just take off. I'd be lying if I said I haven't felt that way. Even recently. With feeling so drained and tired and not wanting to be doing what I am doing everyday (even though everything else in my life is going great) part of me just wanted to run. To get away from this mess of a "job" and escape it. Write a note to my loved ones and take off.

"Somebody turn the lights on, somebody tell me what's wrong
I'd be lying if I told you losing you was something I could handle
Somebody turn the lights on, somebody tell me how long
all this darkness will surround you, 'cause I'm burnin' for you
Burnin' like a candle..."

Those lines... the first one made me stop driving. Not only did I realize that I have an amazing man in my life who would indeed feel this way if I left, I also thought to myself... that leaving would mean abandoning what God has planned for me. And God loves me with an unfathomable, unconditional love... does He feel this way about me too??
The second one made my heart stop for a second. The man in my life is incredibly patient with me. He loves me and is seeing me through this difficult time that I'm in right now... But I know he's gotta be thinking this (or at least he has to have thought it at some point...) And I KNOW without a doubt that my God feels this way about me all the time. "I know this darkness is all around you right now, but I'm burning for YOU... I'm your light in the darkness..."

"Seven days since I've seen your face,
Seven nights I have laid to waste
I'm burnin' out now
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired..."

Being away from the love of my life is sooo difficult. I know he feels this way about being away from me... so if my boyfriend feels that way about me... wouldn't God- the One who loves me deeper than I'll ever know- feel that way about being away from me, too? All those times when I push Him away or choose to spend my time doing other things... He's wasting away and burning out and sick and tired of being away from me....

"I know we're hanging at the end of the rope
We've flown too high, maybe swung too low
I heard her screamin' out loud
I heard her screamin' out loud..."

Times can be hard. Up and down. Too high. Too low. But my man is there with me, through it all. And he knows just when I'm feeling like it's too much to take. God fits that description as well, even moreso than the man in my life. Because He hears me whenever I cry out. He knows every tear I've ever cried, He's counted them all (and if you know me at all, that means A LOT of them)

You think I'm kidding around that this song is about God and His relationship with us? Check out the bridge...

"Think
of all the things that you say
what are the things that you mean?
what are the things that you say to me?
'cause
you're a tragedy
a queen for his majesty
all this blasphemy
your kingdom is crumbling..."

We're all a tragedy in God's eyes. Because we don't love Him the way He created us to.
But He's also the King of Kings. And we are the Bride of Christ. A queen for His Majesty. He makes us perfect to be united with Him through the death of Jesus Christ on the cross.
Blasphemy can be defined as "irreverent behavior toward anything held sacred, priceless, etc." ("blasphemy." Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 19 Mar. 2009. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/blasphemy>.) In that light... a lot of the ways we live our lives (especially reckless running away from everything...) is considered blasphemy. A lot of the worldly stuff we get ourselves tangled in... the sin... it's all blasphemy...
Any "kingdom" we create for ourselves falls apart when we come to know God and His kingdom- the everlasting one- that all those who love Him will get to be a part of someday...

the weight of sin

2009-03-06T21:20:00.000-05:00

"Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear and the burden I give you is light..." --Jesus, Matthew 11:29-30

Sin is an guly, massive weight to carry. Though we don't realize it while we're carrying it. The enemy tricks us into thinking only about ourselves, just for a moment... and when that sin goes unconfessed and unrepented of, well... it makes is easier for us to indulge in more selfish feelings and thoughts. Those thoughts turn to actions. The longer we go without dealing with it, the more it grows and the heavier it gets. We don't realize how heavy it is anymore. We don't want to let it go because the enemy has also tricked us into thinking that if we confess it, that will make things worse. So this big sin mess manifests and we're dragging around all this weight. And it's holding us back from living fully for God. From living in the freedom that comes from our faith in Jesus Christ.
I had forgotten what it was like to live and walk in that freedom. Until God worked miracles in my stubborn, selfish heart and brought me back to Him. I finally laid all the ugliness that has been in my heart the last few months out on the table. It wasn't until I did that... that I again felt that freedom that God brings through faith in His son.
So indescribably amazing.
Hallelujah.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." --Galatians 5:1

somewhere in-between

2009-03-02T20:40:00.000-05:00

would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?
don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't wanna run away from this...

this is a more personal blog, where i wrestle through things going on in my head and in my life. i have been a little bit on my other blog, but that's more for teaching.

this is for my life. well... the rest of it.

making this has been on my mind for a while now, but i didn't know what to call it. then i got inspired by a series going on at my church right now- exploring the names of God and what that means in this unique time in history- the in-between.

more to come...